alt.babylon5.uk Website

Part 2

ALT.BABYLON.UK 5 START UP SEQUENCE

Simon: It was begining of a new age in mankind's history books, the third one. Fourteen years after the Earth-Minbari war. alt.babylon5.uk had failed - we were in the middle of one of the most fierce wars that was tearing the universe to shreads - and they still came. The Babylon Project gave way to a new hope, the hope that the number of test threads would be dramatically reduced. The year: 2272, the name of the place is alt.babylon5.uk.

::Cue Music...::

1. Central Command
Red Alert is flashing.

BATTY
Status?

COOPER
Well, either they're right in front of us or I've just spilt yougart all over my control panel.

BATTY
I have explicitally TOLD you that the youghart machine is off bounds while you're on duty.

COOPER
But it's just TOO tasty georgeus! I mean, in't yougart brill'yant!?

BATTY
Tell all pilots to get down to the docking bays - NOW...

::CUT TO:::

2. CGI
Starfuries depart...

3. Gerran's Ship (Heart of Purple)
Shaun Gerrans, Mr. President, Dana K. Scully and Lewis Hutton are inside

SCULLY
Maximum Inprobability Drive engaged.

GERRANS
All right. Is that one COOL thing to do or what.

HUTTON
Do you know where to get a REALLY *GOOD* cup of tea around here?

4. BOOK SEQUENCE

THE BOOK
Tea is of course a brown liquid with the properties of making you feel alert, rareing to go, and once you realise that you were not QUITE as ready to go as you thought it serves as a depresant. It is widely known that by the 23rd Century all tea leaves have been eradicated. Scientists were stuck on the problem of how to make a REALLY *GOOD* cup of tea if there were no tea leaves as they already knew that the infinate improbability drive would not function without it. Then by chance a descendant of the great Simon Jones happened to come across an ancient recipe passed down from Narn to Narn on how make REALLY *GOOD* tea out of pureed Spoo. From then on the East India Company changed into a Spoo Manufacteuring Unit as more and more people got hooked on the refreshing spoo taste... And as Mr. Hutton is about to find out, Spoo has one nasty side effect. So as to avoid all tension as we prepare to give away the information, we are now going to tell you what this startling fact really is, but we will not tell you what colour cup it is served in so as to keep some of the mystery in tact... Spoo Tea is a violent shade of red, so violent in fact that it looks like a Human had repeatedly hit it's head again a piece of wood and then bled openly into a cup. It's even been speculated that the late Emporer Cartagia was killed in this manner but without proper proof they couldn't proove anything. People later speculated that not being able to proove anything because they didn't have any proof was pretty obvious and thus made it pretty obvious that these guys were very probably insane. However it was precisely these people who speculated on the speculators that were all killed out in a seige on the headquarters of the Union of Sages, Illuminaries and Other Professional Thinking Persons.

5. Gerran's Ship

GERRANS
Holy Zarkquon's Singing Fish! You sound like you've just been to Belgium and back. Why don't you get some out of the drinks dispenser over there which we conviently haven't seen or mentioned in the series yet even though we've been on-air for two seasons...

HUTTON
::He walks to the machine::
Umm. Shaun - what is this 'Spoo Tea'?

GERRANS
It's tea made out of Spoo - Dumb dumb!

HUTTON
YES! But what is Spoo?

GERRANS
You shouldn't have asked a question like that man! Now we'll go to a book sequence...

THE BOOK
I thought that you said that my information was helpful and informative.

HUTTON
Eddie -

EDDIE
Hi, I'm Eddie your shipboard computer. With which beverage would you like to be served?

HUTTON
Spoo tea please.

EDDIE
Dispensing.

::A drink pops out::

HUTTON
Ugh! It's BLUE!

GERRANS
WHAT?

HUTTON
The cup - it's the most HIDEOUS colour I've ever seen. UGH! It's RED!

::We overimpose a shot of the Centauri Homeworld::

6. Shuttle

STEEVIE
I don't understand - Why didn't you just kill off the Narn when you attacked their bases?

NUDD
Come on now - it's PRETTY simple really. If we had then there would be no need for this little trip thus the viewers would not find out what had happened to Mr. Jones when I casually mention it half a paragraph later...

STEEVIE
OK. So, what has happened to our good friends Callum and Simon?

NUDD
Ah - they have been taken to -

7. Channel 4 Logo

ANNOUNCER
Sorry for this interuption but to REALLY annoy you we're going to stick an annoying space in the middle of this very interesting and worthwhile episode of Whatever Happened To Mr. Jones...

::Screams::

ANOTHER ANNOUNCER
And now back to the program.

8. Shuttle

STEEVIE
Really - and there is noway that he can escape from there?

NUDD
Dave has PERSONALLY assured me that they will be guarded at all times!

STEEVIE
And where is Captain Callum?

NUDD
He went to Za'ha'dum to try and stop our evil plans by leaping onto a fusion reactor - he has very probably died according to reports but let's face it - I checked ahead into next week's episode information in the Radio Times and he IS mentioned - somehow he's going to be alright.

STEEVIE
So - what about Jones?

NUDD
We plan to torture him!

STEEVIE
You are going to use a pain inducer?

NUDD
No - we were going to use a Playstation and a copy of the Spice Girls game but frankly, your idea is much better so we'll go along with it.

STEEVIE
The next page is missing in my script - what am I supposed to say.

::They both pick up a booklet and flick through the pages::

NUDD
"They laugh evilily as they plot universal destruction". Ha, Ha Ha...

STEEVIE
Ha, Ha, Haa...

- FIN -

End of Part Two.

The Traditional Danone Ads Begin

JOHN DUFFEY
Dear, why don't you sit down here and have a drink of this brand new SPOO Juice?

JIM WARE
Umm. Tastes Delicious.
::Walks to phone and dials::
Is it made from real spoo?

MCNULTY
I'll find out boss.

MACLEOD
Come back to bed Brian...

MCNULTY
When Ware calls ya gotta answer.
::Dials - we cut to a garden with lots of animals. A car pulls up
::Out steps two men, both carrying bottles of Spoo Juice, they
::Drink a bit. They then take a Spoo-creature and eat it, they
::Then Open up some mobiles and say::

RATATOSK
Is True

ILOLOLLOY
Is True

ANNOUNCER
SPOO JUICE - It's Umm-umm..."

"The greatest adventure of THIS Summer will not take place in Croydon.

::Funky Music::

LEBLANC
Let's Rock and Roll!"

"Currently showing in Sky Box Office: Maskarilla - a dinosaur-like creature is set lose on New York when a Swiss-woman discovers this creature that was created by a nuclear accident. EXCLUSIVE to Sky Box Office..."

"RJ Hacker - giving you great nuclear weapons at a low, low cost"

OFF - That's the end of a slightly manical part two. Next part may ACTUALLY be sensible (but don't count on it).