Part 3

[EXT]: BABYLON 5. WE HEAR SIMON'S SCREAMS

SIMON: Not the eyes again! Not the eyes!

[INT]: CORRIDOR. SIMON AND MARKWCATS ARE STANDING THERE.

MARKWCATS
And as for her skin....

SIMON
I'm sorry, this is a direct order. Shut up. I'm married to the Entil'Zha, so you'll have to obey me.

MARKWCATS
I'm going to go and talk to Vargol. Maybe he'll be more understanding.

MARKWCATS WALKS OFF.

SIMON
Wait! The Welsh memo from the Vorlons!

SIMON RUNS AFTER HIM.

SWITCH TO CORRIDOR OUTSIDE VARGOL'S QUARTERS.

MARKWCATS ENTERS, AND THEN SIMON.

MARKWCATS
Are you busy Vargol?

VARGOL CAN BE HEARD, BARELY.

SIMON (RUNNING ON)
What did he say?

MARKWCATS
He's watching TV, I think. Something about Boffing the Vampire Slayer?

SIMON
What, Angie?

MARKWCATS
You're married. Calm down.

SIMON
So's he.

MARKWCATS
Maybe he's watching that horror movie series.

SIMON
What horror movie series?

MARKWCATS
Featuring old sea monster movies - Bab Com: Terrors from the Deep.

SIMON
Anyway, the Welsh memo.

MARKWCATS
It was regarding Jacqui. That's all we know. Except for...

SIMON
What?!

MARKWCATS
It was a rough translation... Little mroe than a guess...

SIMON
WHAT!!!????

MARKWCATS
Duct tape...

SIMON
And Jacqui has mysteriously gone missing....

MARKWCATS
She has? Why didn't you tell me?

SIMON
You wouldn't shut up.

MARKWCATS
So? Couldn't you talk over me?

SIMON
It wouldn't be dignified.

MARKWCATS
You have the nerve to talk about dignity with that beard?

SIMON
Excuuuuuse me, girly-haired-funny-beard-ENGLISH-accented... ummm....

MARKWCATS
You've insulted me. I'm going to go away and do something brave but stupid as a result, possibly by trying to rescue Jacqui, by following the trail of duct tape from her quarters.

SIMON
I didn't notice any trail of duct tape.

MARKWCATS
You were busy 'working' with Lochely, hehehehe.

SIMON
What was that?

MARKWCATS
Nothing....

SIMON
Anyway, I think I'll join you in this brave but stupid attempt.

MARKWCATS
Down here then....

SWITCH TO PHIL-J's QUARTERS. HE IS EXAMINING A SMALL PACKET OF SOME MYSTERIOUS SUBSTANCE...

SWITCH TO A CORRIDOR. SIMON AND MARKWCATS ARE WANDERING ALONG IT, FOLLOWING A TRAIL OF DUCT TAPE.

SIMON
Yellow duct tape... The sign of a diseased mind...

MARKWCATS
Actually, the duct tape is purple. You shoudl get your eyesight tested.

SIMON
What was that about?

MARKWCATS
I'm not sure. I think I'm just fantasising about purple duct tape. It is yellow after all.

SIMON
Why would you fantasise about... No. You wouldn't... Not again!

MARKWCATS
I won't. I've got better control than that.

SIMON
Thank God....

MARKWCATS
Or have I....

SWITCH TO PHIL-J'S QUARTERS. HE IS CROUCHED IN A CORNER, SCREAMING. THE DOOR IS BEEPING.

PHIL-J
Daddy! Come down from the tree!

THE CAMERA TURNS SLIGHTLY< AND WE SEE SHAUN THERE.

PHIL-J
What? I'll kill all the Hamsters? Of course! Hahahaha!

THE DOOR OPENS. MR50% WALKS IN, WITH SOME ATTENDANTS.

MR50%
My God! What's wrong with him! I heard his screaming.... At first I just thought he'd tried to pull Lyta again....

THE ATTENDANTS RUN TO PICK HIM UP.

MR50%
Get him to med-lab now! I wish I knew what was wrong with him...

SHAUN
<wooshwurbleclang>He is not ready for mar...<ahemdidntsayaword>

MR50%
What did you say?

SHAUN
<wooshwurblemiaow>The avalanche has started - it is to late for the stoned to vote.<wheewoohooahahaha>

MR50%
Something about stones? Wow. That was really philosophical and deep.

SHAUN TURNS AND LEAVES.

STARRING:

A NUKE'LL FIX IT as CAPTAIN SIMON JONES

REFLECTIVE SCALP as VARGOL

ONE LINER RUSSIAN as LIZ

ENGLISH BLOKE WITH A STICK as MARKWCATS

RASTAFARIAN BALL OF GAS as SHAUN

LT. WHAT'S HE CALLED AGAIN? as CALLUM

RUTHLESS SOCIOPATH TP as ANDREW BRACK

MR. EMISSARY OF EVIL as VINCEH

REPTILE WITH A GLASS EYE as PHIL-J

HAHA I'VE GOT FIVE MORE THAN YOU as STEEVIE

BUMBLING BUT LOVABLE as JOHN WARD

DOCTOR PERFECT as MR 50%

MYSTERIOUS ENGLISH VORLON AGENT as MOYRA

RED HAIRED TP as SUZZIWU

DOES IT MATTER TO YOU? as RODDERS

HAIR AND BONE FREAK OF NATURE as JACQUI

I USED TO BE RELIGIOUS BUT NOW I'M A TRAINED KILLER as IAN

EPSILON 3 as FLIBBLE

A SMALL TEDDY BEAR as CHEESYSPOO

AND A THOUSAND ELEPHANTS as THEMSELVES

© 1998 Mark Dunne