Part 4

[EXT]: BABYLON 5. I'd use a new opening, but I can't be bothered to think of one.

SWITCH TO DOWN BELOW. MARKWCATS AND SIMON ARE FOLLOWING THE YELLOW DUCT TAPE.

MARKWCATS
Simon, I don't think we're in Blue sector any more.

SIMON
So?

MARKWCATS
I just felt like saying it. That's all.

SIMON
Have you been near Shaun's shi..

MARKWCATS
I haven't been near anything of Shaun's. Why?

SIMON
Just that people who go near it tend to end up acting strangely, that's all....

MARKWCATS
Well, apart from an urge to sing 'We're off to save the Minbari, the wonderful Minbari of Minbar', I feel fine.

SIMON
Ah. That's reassuring.

MARKWCATS
Plus the irrational fear of flying monkeys.

SIMON
This involves flying monkeys?!

MARKWCATS
I don't think so. If it did, the fear wouldn't be irrational, would it?

SIMON
Good point. Look! [HE POINTS] The duct tape ends here!

SWITCH TO OUTSIDE VARGOLS QUARTERS. VARGOL CAN BE HEARD VAGUELY INSIDE. CALLUM RUNS ON, AND RIPS OFF A PANEL. HE FIDDLES WITH THE CIRCUITRY, AND THE DOOR OPENS LONG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO SLIP THROUGH. SECURITY RUSH PAST JUST AS IT CLOSES.

SWITCH TO VARGOL'S QUARTERS.

VARGOL IS SPRAWLED ACROSS THE SOFA WATCHING THE TV (IT ISN'T ON). CALLUM DIVES BEHIND THE SOFA.

VARGOL
Callum?

CALLUM
Shh!!!!!

VARGOL
There's only me here. What's wrong? Decide to take an early lunch?

CALLUM
Don't let them find me!

VARGOL
Ah, that kind of day. Here, what you need is this.

VARGOL REACHES FOR A CAN, AND HOLDS IT OUT TO CALLUM.

CALLUM
No thanks, I'm not in the mood for alcohol.

VARGOL
Alcohol! I don't drink alcohol of any kind any more! This is Jolt.

CALLUM
Jolt?

VARGOL
Well, officially, it's Jolt. In reality, I've altered it to contain 99.999999% caffeine.

CALLUM
Why?

VARGOL
You know how it is when you've got a pile of work to do, anything seems better.

CALLUM
So you're not drunk?

VARGOL
I'm insulted you even considered it.

CALLUM
You've just consumed too much caffeine?

VARGOL
There's no such thing as too much caffeine.

CALLUM
All right, give me some.

SWITCH TO MED LAB. PHIL-J IS LYING ON A BED. MR50% IS LOOKING AT SOME TEST RESULTS

MR50%
C-! How did I get a C-?

PHIL-J
MOANS

MR50%
He's waking up!

VARUIOUS STAFF RUN AROUND AND LOOK BUSY.

MR50%
Phil? Phil, are you all right? Can you see me? We found some form of organic based substance in your system whihc affects Narns very badly... We believe it may have been something you might not want mentioned on the official record....

PHIL-J
The Drazi who sold it to me said it was an cold remedy.

MR50%
Ah, wink-wink, nudge-nudge. Cold remedy it is. I just wonder why Shaun didn't call us when he saw the condition you were in...

PHIL-J
Shaun was in my quarters?

MR50%
Yes. You mean you didn't know?

PHIL-J
He must have come in after I took the... cold remedy.

MR50%
He must have just heard you screaming... But how did he get in?

SHAUN COMES INTO THE BACKGROUND

SHAUN
<whooshwurble> The doors which open easiest are not always those which are closed. I sought what was mine, and it called to me <antesevolkram>

MR50% FALLS DOWN, THEN GETS UP.

MR50%(indignantly)
It's the /shoes/.

PHIL-J
Speaking of which, they don't go very well with your sweatshirt.

MR50%
What is this, criticise 50's fashion day?

SHAUN
<whoosh> Jumpers! Get jumpers now! <ahahahahahahawb>

MR50%
That wasn't very philosophical.

SHAUN
<tinglechime> Yes <wheeeeeeeparp>

MR50%(muttered to himself)
bloody wasn't.....

SWITCH TO MARKWCATS AND SIMON - YET ANOTHER CORRIDOR

MARKWCATS (SINGING)
Ohh... we're off to save the Minbari, the wonderful Minbari of Minbar...

SIMON
Mark?

MARKWCATS
Yes?

SIMON
Shut up.

MARKWCATS
Sorry.

SIMON
We've been wandering around lost for hours. Our links won't work. We have to face facts. If one of us doesn't eat the other, we'll starve. I have the best hair, so you have to die, I'm afraid.

MARKWCATS
I have some Fruit Polos.

SIMON
Oh, that's all right then. Let's have some then.

MARKWCATS TAKES A SILVER CYLINDER FRM HIS POCKET AND HOLDS IT OUT TO SIMON. SIMON REACHES FOR IT, THEN LOOKS CLOSER.

SIMON
This isn't...

MARKWCATS TURNS THE CYLINDER TO LOOK CLOSER. IT EXPANDS, AND KNOCKS SIMON OUT.

MARKWCATS
Simon? Simon!? Oh my God, my denn'bok killed Simon!

SIMON
Ohh my head....

MARKWCATS
It's allIIIVVE!!!!!!!!

SIMON
What?

MARKWCATS
Nothing.

SIMON
OK. Wait!

THERE IS A BARELY AUDIBLE SCREAM OFF SCREEN.

SIMON
That was Jacqui!

MARKWCATS
How do you know?

SIMON
Trust me, I've heard her screaming before.

MARKWCATS
All ri... How?

SIMON
You don't want to know.

MARKWCATS
I won't tell anyone. Honest.

SIMON
I can't. It's personal.

MARKWCATS
Ah, go on.

SIMON
No, really...

MARKWCATS
And as for her hair...

SIMON(RAPIDLY)
She's terrified of mice. Especially loud ones.

MARKWCATS
And her smile..... Oh, her beautiful smile...

SIMON
I've told you! You can stop now!

MARKWCATS
It's no good! I can't... Arrrgh!!!! Her eyes are so wonderful...

SIMON REACHES INTO MARKWCATS POCKET AND TAKES OUT A SILVER CYLINDER. HE TWISTS IT. FRUIT POLOS FLY ACROSS THE CORRIDOR.

MARKWCATS
I hadn't even opened that roll.

SIMON
Sorry. I was aiming to hit you violently with your denn'bok until you calmed down.

MARKWCATS
All right. But you still owe me a roll of Polos.

SIMON
Right.

MARKWCATS
Where were we anyway?

SIMON
Ummm... Jacqui's irrational fear of mice?

MARKWCATS
Jacqui! We're meant to be saving her!

SIMON
Oh, yeah. Come on!

SWITCH TO VARGOLS QUARTERS. VARGOL AND CALLUM ARE PLAYING WITH A MR POTATO HEAD

VARGOL
Look! It's Simon!

VARGOL STICKS SOME CARPET ONTO THE MR POTATO HEADS CHIN.

CALLUM
Hehehehehe...

VARGOL(MOVING SIMON POTATO HEAD AROUND)
Do this Callum! Do that Call..

CALLUM WHIPS OUT A PPG AND BLASTS THE MR POTATO HEAD TO PIECES.

VARGOL(HOLDING A PIECE OF CLOTH)
Ah. Simon been working you a bit hard? I know Simon. I can talk to him for you. You don't want to do this..

SWITCH TO CORRIDOR: WE HEAR A PPG BLAST AS WE CUT AWAY FROM THIS SCENE.

ANDREW BRACK, LIZ, VINCEH, SUZZIWU, RODDERS, STEEVIE, JOHN WARD AND IAN ARE STANDING IN THE CORRIDOR.

IAN
Hi. We're the characters who don't actually appear in this episode.

ANDREW
However, in order to fulfill a bizarre contract clause, we've been drafted in to play the part of elephant herders in one of the next scenes.

VINCEH
So, if you happen to spot any of us herding elephants, don't be surprised, and don't think it's some kind of unusual plot twist. It's purely contractual. My associates assure me that we have to do it.

LIZ
It's unlikely that we'll have many lines, but if we do, please don't quote us. This is a part of our collective careers that we'd quite frankly much rather forget entirely about, if that's all right.

RODDERS
However, due to the distrcted nature of the author, we may actually appear later in the script, in which case you can regard this as being a rather pitiful attempt at humour.

STEEVIE
And in order to ensure suspense isn't lost, we won't tell you what colour of hats we'll be wearing, or whether they'll have 'Special Elephant Herder' written on them. Or even if we'll be wearing hats at all.

SUZZIWU
And for those who complain in an effort to keep us from the elephants, there may be an extra cookie.

JOHN WARD
Actually, I'm rather looking forward to it. We might get to trample some of the main characters into pulp and get proper parts.

SUZZIWU
He's right. Cancel the cookie offer.

RODDERS
I'll get the electric prods. That'll get them moving fast...

VINCEH
Or you could sing...

RODDERS
Are you saying something about my singing ability?

VINCEH
Ability?

STARRING:

A NUKE'LL FIX IT as CAPTAIN SIMON JONES

REFLECTIVE SCALP as VARGOL

ONE LINER RUSSIAN as LIZ

ENGLISH BLOKE WITH A STICK as MARKWCATS

RASTAFARIAN BALL OF GAS as SHAUN

LT. WHAT'S HE CALLED AGAIN? as CALLUM

RUTHLESS SOCIOPATH TP as ANDREW BRACK

MR. EMISSARY OF EVIL as VINCEH

REPTILE WITH A GLASS EYE as PHIL-J

HAHA I'VE GOT FIVE MORE THAN YOU as STEEVIE

BUMBLING BUT LOVABLE as JOHN WARD

DOCTOR PERFECT as MR 50%

MYSTERIOUS ENGLISH VORLON AGENT as MOYRA

RED HAIRED TP as SUZZIWU

DOES IT MATTER TO YOU? as RODDERS

HAIR AND BONE FREAK OF NATURE as JACQUI

I USED TO BE RELIGIOUS BUT NOW I'M A TRAINED KILLER as IAN

EPSILON 3 as FLIBBLE

A SMALL TEDDY BEAR as CHEESYSPOO

AND A THOUSAND ELEPHANTS as THEMSELVES

© 1998 Mark Dunne