Part 5

[EXT]: BABYLON 5. Yep, same opening. Think of it as saved footage.

SWITCH TO C&C. LIZ WALKS ON.

LIZ
They lost some of the elephants, so I got reassigned.

CREW MEMBERS LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN BEFUDDLEMENT.

VINCEH
There's a message coming in.... Text based...

LIZ
AAARRGHH!!!!!!! What're you doing here! Gimme me PPG!

VINCEH
They lost my elephants too. I've been reassigned, but as my associates have left, I had to find something else to do.

LIZ
Oh. that's all right then.

VINCEH
Anyway... the message..

LIZ
Yeah, what is it?

VINCEH
It's pure text.... it's being sent along the Primary Internal Network Grid....

LIZ
The PING?

VINCEH
Yep.

LIZ
I thought we stopped using that ages ago?

VINCEH
Obviously sombody decided to use it.

LIZ
Read the message.

VINCEH
I... It seems to be garbled....

LIZ
Damn! Let me have a look at it.

LIZ WALKS OVER TO THE CONSOLE AND EXAMINES THE MESSAGE.

LIZ
It's garbled. Beyond recognition.

VINCEH
Or in some kind of alien laguage...

LIZ
Set the computer to analysing it. It might be able to shed some light on it...

VINCEH
There's no way to isolate it's source. Could be anywhere with access to BabCom, internal or external...

LIZ
Isn't there a way to find out?

VINCEH
I'd use the WhoDis command, but I've never had any formal training.... I also seem to be having difficulty finishing my sentences properly, for some mysterious reason...

LIZ
Well, I have to go look for those elephants. Call me if anything interesting happens.

VINCEH
Okely dokely.

LIZ
Did you actually say that?

VINCEH
It was in the script. It's not what I'd normally choose to say.

SWITCH TO A CORRIDOR. MARKWCATS AND SIMON ARE WALKING ALONG. A TRAIL OF FRUIT POLOS (ALL YELLOW) LIES BEHIND THEM.

SIMON
Why do you have so many rolls anyway?

MARKWCATS
I just like them. Especially the red ones.

SIMON
The purple ones are nicer.

MARKWCATS
They're OK, but the yellow ones aren't great.

SIMON
True.

MARKWCATS
Wait... I heard some more screaming....

SIMON
No, that was the mating cry of a Single Misstree Gerl.

MARKWCATS
You did that on purpose, didn't you?

SIMON
OH sh...

SWITCH TO VARGOL'S QUARTERS. CALLUM IS CROUCHED IN THE CORNER WITH HIS PPG.

VARGOL IS HIDING BEHIND THE SOFA, AGAINST THE WALL. HE HAS A HANDHELD COMPUTER WITH HIM. THE FLOOR IS COVERED WITH JOLT CANS

CALLUM
Ohhhhh, buggerm, buggerm...... Y2K arm termination and sea creatures.....

VARGOL
You want sea food? I can order out?

CALLUM
NO!!! No sea food! No out! We're staying in here forever! Hehehehehehe!!!!

SILENCE FOR A MOMENT

VARGOL
Maybe you should slow down on the Jolt?

CALLUM
Never!

VARGOL
Not even when we run out?

CALLUM
We'll never run out! You're using that computery thing to get more, aren't you? AREN'T YOU????

VARGOL
Um.... yes.

CALLUM
Good.

EXT BABYLON 5. THERE IS A FLEET OF ELEPHANTS DESCENDING UPON THE STATION! I'LL LEAVE THIS ONE TO THE SPECIAL FX TEAM, FRANKLY.

SWITCH TO C&C.

VINCEH
C&C to Liz! There's a fleet of a thousand elephants descending on the station!

LIZ (OVER LINK)
I'm on my way!

VINCEH
A mysterious message... A fleet of elephants.... What's going on here....

LIZ ENTERS.

VINCEH
That was quick!

LIZ
I was hiding down the corridor.

VINCEH
Hiding? From what?

LIZ
Lying in wait for the elephants. And all the time they were descending on the station without our knowledge... They're cunning, you have to give them that much.

VINCEH
Well, you could but they prefer peanuts.

LIZ
Haha. How come I don't get a witty one-liners in this script?

VINCEH
I think it's because Mark can't come up with any.

LIZ
Are the elephants descending quickly?

VINCEH
Technically, as this is space, they aren't descending at all. They're merely moving towards us.

SILENCE FOR A MOMENT

LIZ
And are they doing so quickly?

VINCEH
Oh yes. Had I given a straight answer, we might have been able to fend them off. But as I decided to be awkward, they're now too close and closing too quickly for us to fight off. The defence grid can't initialised quickly enough.

LIZ
Why would you do such a thing?!

VINCEH
I don't know. Perverse sense of humour?

LIZ
Sounds about right. Maybe we should evacuate the station?

VINCEH
We don't have time. We'll just have to call in some of the Star Furries, and hope that they can herd the elephants up quickly enough to prevent the deaths of all thsoe on the station!

LIZ
Very well.... Make it so!

VINCEH
Are you feeling.... all right?

LIZ
Never felt better. Why do you ask?

VINCEH
No sudden urges to... polish your head?

LIZ
Not really.... Although now that you mention it, it might be fun.

VINCEH
I'll tell the Starfurries to try and herd the elephants..

EXT BABYLON 5. LONGISH SHOT. A GROUP OF STAR FURRIES SWEEPS TOGETHER, HEADS TOWARDS THE ELEPHANTS. HEROIC MUSIC.

ANDREW BRACK
We copy you C&C. We're on our way...

RODDERS
Let's make this matter to those elephants!

STEEVIE
My hair's caught in the hatch! AAARRGGHHH!!!!

JOHN WARD (HIGH PITCHED)
You think hair's bad.... I'm at least six times worse off than you...

SUZZIWU
No cookies for the elephants!! Bwahahahahahaha!!!!

ANDREW BRACK
Woohoo!!!

IAN
Woohoo?

ANDREW BRACK
Yes.

IAN
OK. Just checking.

RODDERS
We'll hit them once! We'll hit them twice!

STEEVIE
Mr Rodders, we're here to herd them, not kill them.

RODDERS
I got a bit carried away.

SUZZIWU
Happens to the best of us.

JOHN WARD
I really think I should dock and try to loosen this hatch....

IAN
Eat dirt, elephants!!!!! Ahahahaha! Ahahahaha! Ahahahahaha!

SUZZIWU
This is space. We can't afford to waste dirt. We recycle it to make Fruit Polos with.

IAN
Fruit Polos?

RODDERS
Among other things, yes.

STEEVIE
Wouldn't that be dangerous?

SUZZIWU
Probably. We don't make them, we just scan Polo executives' minds.

IAN
OK. Now, on to elephant herding.

THE STAR FURRIES SWEEP OFF DRAMATICALLY TOWARDS THE ELEPHANTS. (IF THE ELEPHANTS ARE TOO CLOSE TO THE STATION, THEN MOVE THEM BACK A BIT LATER. IT'S NOT LIKE ANYBODY WILL NOTICE OR ANYTHING)

SWITCH TO CORRIDOR. SIMON AND MARKWCATS ARE RUNNING TOWARDS THE SCREAMING. SUDDENLY MARKWCATS STOPS.

MARKWCATS
Ugh, this Fruit Polo tastes...

MARKWCATS COLLAPSES.

SIMON
Mark? Mark?

SIMON KICKS MARK VICIOUSLY.

SIMON
Wake up?

MARKWCATS DOES NOT RESPOND. SIMON KICKS HIM AGAIN.

SIMON
This is fun.

THERE ARE MORE SCREAMS.

SIMON
Aaaggh!! Decision, decisions!!

TUNE IN SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE, WHEN I MAY POSSIBLY FINISH THIS. YOU'LL FIND OUT: - IF SIMON CAN RESIST KICKING MARKWCATS STRAIGHT TO HELL - IF JOHN WARD WILL EVER GET SCOOTERS TAIL OUT OF THE HATCH (WHY, WHAT DID YOU THINK WAS CAUGHT?) - IF MARKWCATS WILL RECOVER FROM HIS FRUIT POLO OR DIE A HIDEOUS DEATH[1] - IF MARKWCATS HAS ENOUGH IMAGINATION TO FINISH THIS DAMN THING. - IF VINCEH IS HERE AS EMISSARY OF EVIL, OR JUST HAS A PERVERSE SENSE OF HUMOUR.

[1] If you like, you can vote on this.
I won't actually pay any attention, but whatever works for you, you know.

STARRING:

A NUKE'LL FIX IT as CAPTAIN SIMON JONES

REFLECTIVE SCALP as VARGOL

ONE LINER RUSSIAN as LIZ

ENGLISH BLOKE WITH A STICK as MARKWCATS

RASTAFARIAN BALL OF GAS as SHAUN

LT. WHAT'S HE CALLED AGAIN? as CALLUM

RUTHLESS SOCIOPATH TP as ANDREW BRACK

MR. EMISSARY OF EVIL as VINCEH

REPTILE WITH A GLASS EYE as PHIL-J

HAHA I'VE GOT FIVE MORE THAN YOU as STEEVIE

BUMBLING BUT LOVABLE as JOHN WARD

DOCTOR PERFECT as MR 50%

MYSTERIOUS ENGLISH VORLON AGENT as MOYRA

RED HAIRED TP as SUZZIWU

DOES IT MATTER TO YOU? as RODDERS

HAIR AND BONE FREAK OF NATURE as JACQUI

I USED TO BE RELIGIOUS BUT NOW I'M A TRAINED KILLER as IAN

EPSILON 3 as FLIBBLE

A SMALL TEDDY BEAR as CHEESYSPOO

AND A THOUSAND ELEPHANTS as THEMSELVES

© 1998 Mark Dunne