Part 6

[EXT]: BABYLON 5. THE ELPEHANTS ARE APPROACHING THE STATION!!!!

SWITCH TO VARGOL'S QUARTERS

CALLUM
I need chocolate.

VARGOL
What?

CALLUM
Chocolate. I'm in a chocolate mood.

VARGOL
Whatever you want.

CALLUM
Maybe a Timeout.

VARGOL
I have some in the back. I'll go get them.

VARGOL RUNS OFF TO GET THE TIMEOUTS. CALLUM COMES OVER TO THE COMPUTER SYSTEM. HE EXAMINES IT.

VARGOL RETURNS.

CALLUM
Yiu're doing something...

VARGOL
Er.... It's very sensitive equipment....

CALLUM
You've connected to the PING!

VARGOL (PLACATING TONE, HOLDING OUT TIMEOUT): Timeout?

SWITCH TO SPACE. STAR FURRIES SWOOPING AROUND ELEPHANTS.

ANDREW BRACK
OK, we've go them on the run!

RODDERS
We sure have!

SUZZIWU
Towards the station, though.

STEEVIE
Which probably isn't a good idea.

RODDERS
There's only one thing we can do....

IAN
Go university and hope let the place fall apart?

RODDERS
Damn good idea that.

ANDREW
I can't! I'm not old enough for university!

SUZZIWU
Anyway, the US educationaly system is different from yours, so it would be much mroe complex for me.

STEEVIE
So no university then?

ANDREW
We'll just have to shoot at them and hope they move. Open fire!

SHOT OF STAR FURRIES FIRING.

ANDREW
Stop!!! Stop!!! At the elephants, not the station!!!! Idiots!

SHOT OF STAR FURRIES MOVING SLIGHTLY LEFT AND THEN FIRING.

ANDREW
That's better.

RODDERS
I can't... I can't just shoot at unarmed elephants...

ANDREW
What?

RODDERS
it just isn't /nice/.

ANDREW
So?

RODDERS
I won't do it.

ANDREW
Every Hamster on B5 will be destroyed....

RODDERS
My God... How can I make such a choice....

SUZZIWU
Look! The elephanst have turned away! They're opening a jump point!

ANDREW
Woohoo!

IAN
Woohoo?

ANDREW
Shut up Ian. It's a stale joke.

IAN
I'll have you know I'm a trained killer.

ANDREW
You are?

IAN
Well, almost. I haven't handed in my end-of-year project yet.

ANDREW
Aha. Anyway, we should follow those elephants, make sure they don't cause any harm.

THE STAR FURRIES SWOOP AROUND AND FOLLOW THE ELEPHANTS.

ANDREW (SALUTING)
Pleasure saving you all.

SWITCH TO C&C.

LIZ
Stop those Star Furries! They're not meant to leave! Stop them!!

VINCEH
They've gone through the jump points. It's too late.

LIZ
Oh well. Pack of freaks anyway. I never did like Rodders' hairdo....

VINCEH
Have you seen Steevie's?

LIZ
Hehehehehe....

VINCEH
Emergency signal from one of the Star Furries.... It's John Ward. He requires an experienced veterinarian as sson as he docks!

LIZ
He didn't go with the rest?

VINCEH
No, he said something about his scooter being caught.

LIZ
Scooter? In space?

VINCEH
Strange but true, as Ellen used to say.

SWITCH TO CORRIDOR. MARKWCATS IS LYING COMATOSE ON THE FLOOR. SIMON IS LOOKING FROM HIM TO A NEARBY DOOR.

MARKWCATS MOVES SLIGHTLY, AND GROANS.

SIMON
Wake up!

MARKWCATS
I had the most horrible dream... You were in it, and....

SIMON
We don't have time for that! We have to get into that door!

MARKWCATS
We've moved since I collapsed...

SIMON
Er, yes, that's why you're covered in bruises. Rough floor. I figured you'd want to keep going.

MARKWCATS
Right you are then.

MARKWCATS LEAPS UP.

SIMON
I heard Jacqui screaming behind that door. I vote we rip it open, and nuke 'em straight to hell.

SILENCE FOR A MOMENT.

SIMON
It seemed better before I said it out loud.

MARKWCATS
Things usually do. We'd probably hurt Jacqui if we did that.

SIMON
What if we used a reall *small* tactical nuke?

MARKWCATS
No such thing, I'm afraid. If it was small, it wouldn't be of much tactical use.

SIMON
Hm. What about one of these non-tactical nukes I have in my back pocket?

MARKWCATS
What about radiation?

SIMON (CHEESY GRIN)
Gamma, alpha and beta! All three in one handy packa...

MARKWCATS
Snap out of it!

SIMON
Sorry. It's just... I love nukes.

MARKWCATS
I've read about that. The literature called it a 'stupid guy thing'.

SIMON
As in a stupid thing which is related to guys, or a thing which is related to stupid guys?

MARKWCATS
They weren't very clear on the subject.

SIMON
We're babbling.

MARKWCATS
Like a brook.

SIMON
Please, nothing about willows. You know how Rodders gets when you steal his lines.

MARKWCATS
Yeah, he can pretty firey at times.

SIMON
Explosive temper.

MARKWCATS
I have the sudden urge to sing a pardoy of the Ab Fab theme song.

SIMON
Why not?

MARKWCATS
All right then! It'll draw out whoever captured Jacqui, and we can batter them with my denn'bok!

SIMON
Not even a small nuke?

MARKWCATS
Maybe later. If the elephants make a surprise reappearance.

SIMON
All right then.

MARKWCATS
Ready? Ah one, ah two, ah one two three four..

SIMON AND MARKWCATS
Teeps on fire....

TUNE IN SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE, WHEN I MAY POSSIBLY FINISH THIS. YOU'LL FIND OUT: -
IF SCOOTER SURVIVES HIS HORRIBLE ORDEAL.
IF THERE ARE ANY MORE DILBERT REFERENCES.
IF THE WIZARD OF OZ JOKE CAN BE MADE TO LAST ANY LONGER.
IF JACQUI IS RESCUED, OR ACCIDENTLY NUKED STRAIGHT TO HELL BY SIMON.
IF THE ELEPHANTS DO MAKE A SURPRISE REAPPEARANCE.

STARRING:

A NUKE'LL FIX IT as CAPTAIN SIMON JONES

REFLECTIVE SCALP as VARGOL

ONE LINER RUSSIAN as LIZ

ENGLISH BLOKE WITH A STICK as MARKWCATS

RASTAFARIAN BALL OF GAS as SHAUN

LT. WHAT'S HE CALLED AGAIN? as CALLUM

RUTHLESS SOCIOPATH TP as ANDREW BRACK

MR. EMISSARY OF EVIL as VINCEH

REPTILE WITH A GLASS EYE as PHIL-J

HAHA I'VE GOT FIVE MORE THAN YOU as STEEVIE

BUMBLING BUT LOVABLE as JOHN WARD

DOCTOR PERFECT as MR 50%

MYSTERIOUS ENGLISH VORLON AGENT as MOYRA

RED HAIRED TP as SUZZIWU

DOES IT MATTER TO YOU? as RODDERS

HAIR AND BONE FREAK OF NATURE as JACQUI

I USED TO BE RELIGIOUS BUT NOW I'M A TRAINED KILLER as IAN

EPSILON 3 as FLIBBLE

A SMALL TEDDY BEAR as CHEESYSPOO

AND A THOUSAND ELEPHANTS as THEMSELVES

© 1998 Mark Dunne