Part 7

[EXT]: BABYLON 5.

ROOM: JACQUI DUCT TAPRED TO WALL. MOYRA HEARS SINGING.

MOYRA
What is that?

JACQUI
MMMMmMMMmmmMMM

MOYRA GESTURES WITH HER CANE AND DUCT TAPE RIPS ITSELF FROM JACQUIS MOUTH

JACQUI
I don't know.

MOYRA
I'd better go and investigate...

MOYRA RE-TAPES JACQUI'S MOUTH, AND GOES OUTSIDE.

WE HEAR THE FOLLOWING OFF SCREEN:

MOYRA
ARRGHH!!!

MARKWCATS
AAAARGGHHHH!!!!

SIMON
Come back!

MARKWCATS
Take this!

MOYRA
Fruit Polos? Thanks.

MARKWCATS
Oh bugger.

SIMON
I'll nuke you straight to hell!

LARGE EXPLOSION.

SWITCH TO C&C

VINCEH
Ooo 'eck. There's been a nuclear explosion somewhere in Down Below!

LIZ
A nuclear explosion?

VINCEH
Yes. Just a small one though.

LIZ
Oh, Just a small one?

VINCEH
It might have done some damage.

LIZ
Let's go investigate.

VINCEH
Investigate? I knew you'd say that....

LIZ
Come on! Would you do it for some cheesy spoo?

VINCEH
What, a teddy bear?

LIZ
Um. No. The food.

VINCEH
Cheesy spoo! Yummy!

LIZ AND VINCEH WANDER OFF.

SWITCH TO VARGOL'S QUARTERS.

CALLUM
OH my... I've seen the light...

VARGOL
What?

CALLUM
I've been born again. I'm going to leave the station and become a Holy Elephant Herder on a small planet somewhere east of the sun and west of the moon..

VARGOL
OK. Bye.... Er... Don't let me hold you back.

CALLUM DROPS HIS PPG AND SKIPS OFF.

VARGOL
Wow. What a strange ending to this plot line. People will probably now say that it's all because of a rush to get it finished in case part 8 was never written. But it simply is meant to end this way, with just a few minor alterations made.

PAUSE.

VARGOL
I need caffeine. It's too much to think about while in a relatively

normal mental state.

VARGOL GATHERS SOME JOLT TO HIMSELF, AND STARTS TO DRINK.

SWITCH TO A SCORHED CORRIDOR. LIZ AND VINCEH ARE STANDING IN IT.

LIZ
Jinkies! You say it was designed to simply vapourise biological tissue, and leave things like metal, gas and so on untouched?

VINCEH
And virtually no residual radiation. Lots at the beginnning, but none afterwards.

LIZ
Are you sure.

VINCEH
Not really. Depends on the type. Some of them can leave the area fatal for up to three hours afterwards. They're really rather well designed.

LIZ
Hm. Very cunni...

LIZ AND VINCEH DROP DEAD.

SWITCH TO VARGOL'S QUARTERS.

VARGOL
It's no good! There's no caffeine left!

VARGOL DROPS DEAD FROM CAFFEINE DEPREVATION.

SWITCH TO A STAR FURRY. CALLUM IS FLYING IT ALONG.

CALLUM
Here elephants! I've come to herd you!

THE THOUSAND ELEPHANTS SWOP OUT OF A NEBULA, FOLLOWED BY THE ELEPHANT HERDERS.

CALLUM
Here, nelly, nelly, nelly!

ANDREW BRACK
They don't like being called nelly! It makes them explode in a massive.. er..

RODDERS
Explosion?

ANDREW BRACK
Yep.

ELEPHANTS EXPLODE, OBLITERATING EVERYBODY.

SWITCH TO MED LAB.

MR50%
My word! Phil-J, you're changing into some horrible monster as a result of an unforseen reaction wiht Narn biochemistry!

PHIL-J
Well, horrible monster is a bit strong.

MR50%
Phil-J... You've become Hanson!

PHIL-J
AARRGGHH!!!!!

MR50%
Fight it!

PHIL-J
MMMMMm...

MR50%
You know what'll happen if you finish it!

PHIL-J
Bopp!!!

KLAXONS SOUND AND LIGHTS FLASH. SECURITY BURST INTO THE ROOM. PHIL-J PULLS A PPG FROM HIS POCKET AND STARTS SHOOTING SECURITY GUARDS ALL AROUND.

MR50%
Oh no! You hit the dangerously, foolsihly exposed fusion thingummy!

EXT. BABYLON 5. IT EXPLODES.

SWITCH TO EMPTY SPACE. SHAUNS SHIP IS CRUISING ALONG.

SHAUN: Bloody hell. Only just got out in time.

BEHIND HIM, ONE LAST ELEPHANT IS APPROACHING RAPIDLY.

SHAUN: Oh. Oh bugger. This is going to *sma...

MASSIVE EXPLOSION.

CUT TO CREDITS.

STARRING:

A NUKE'LL FIX IT as CAPTAIN SIMON JONES

REFLECTIVE SCALP as VARGOL

ONE LINER RUSSIAN as LIZ

ENGLISH BLOKE WITH A STICK as MARKWCATS

RASTAFARIAN BALL OF GAS as SHAUN

LT. WHAT'S HE CALLED AGAIN? as CALLUM

RUTHLESS SOCIOPATH TP as ANDREW BRACK

MR. EMISSARY OF EVIL as VINCEH

REPTILE WITH A GLASS EYE as PHIL-J

HAHA I'VE GOT FIVE MORE THAN YOU as STEEVIE

BUMBLING BUT LOVABLE as JOHN WARD

DOCTOR PERFECT as MR 50%

MYSTERIOUS ENGLISH VORLON AGENT as MOYRA

RED HAIRED TP as SUZZIWU

DOES IT MATTER TO YOU? as RODDERS

HAIR AND BONE FREAK OF NATURE as JACQUI

I USED TO BE RELIGIOUS BUT NOW I'M A TRAINED KILLER as IAN

EPSILON 3 as FLIBBLE

A SMALL TEDDY BEAR as CHEESYSPOO

AND A THOUSAND ELEPHANTS as THEMSELVES

© 1998 Mark Dunne