Comedy Review #507

Comedy Review (whatever number, not sure what episode, missed the first 12 minutes...)

B5 - Unknown titles part 3

Welcome to comedy review #1, part 2 (no.12). Some of you so-called 'newbies' may not know what B5 Comedy Reviews are. As Dr.Sherlock said, we must eliminate the impossible to find the possible. Well, here's some of the things they *aren't*:

1.They aren't funny (this is comedy, not humour).
2.They aren't a cheese, chutney and marmalade pickle sandwich (thank god!!)

So, not that you know what they aren't, let's proceed with the proceedings (so to speel)..

The Geri Hat Trick's (an ancient race of people whose only claim to fame is that they are old), ask a favour of Dr.Frankie. The following conversation ensues:

Geri: Mr.Franklin, we need a favour of you.

Franklin: Sorry, old git, you should have asked me in my lunch break. I'm working at the moment.

Gery: Mr.Franklin, our race is dying, slowly.

Franklin: Well, perhaps you can hurry it up, I really am very busy right now.

Geriy: No, Frankie, you don't understand...

Frankie: Oh, I understand all right. You guys, you're trying to, waste my time, when I could be saving lives.

Gerry: Mr.Franklin, can you read...

Frankie: Oh, I've been reading since I was 3. Dog gets blue ball. Dog jumps in pond .That sort of thing.

Gerie: ...through our medical files and tell us if you might find a cure?

Frankie: I'll leave that to the professionals. You could always try looking in a library.

Geriy (exasperated): Jesus christ, let's get out of here.

Later, however, they get Mr.Frankie to agree to help them somehow. They download the contents of a floppy disc marked 'Medical' onto his machine.

"Hey guys," says Franklin, "You can't fit many medical files on a 1.44mb floppy disk..."

So, the oldies entrust doc with more records on pain of death.

tp//marcus-alike says about death and governments, lyta chats to him about comets blazing, and so on

Next, our puritan/telepath/native american indian/slave-substitute English-accented Marcus-lookalike friend, Lord Byron asks Lyta to stay the night - she refuses.

So, everyone hugs lyta - just like a school play - and everyone's happy after all.

Some woman won't give the doc files older than 800 years. So he goes on the GWW (Galaxy Wide Web) to find out for himself. There's many search hyper-engines to choose from, including:

Magellan
NeutronFind
GalaxVista
CentauriSeek
Lycos

What he does find is something: The Hyac are hiding summat. But it's nothing we didn't already know.

Next on the agenda called 'plot', a TP gets beaten to a pulp. it doesn't take a mindreader to work out who was responsible. Yes, it was a mindless thug. Needless to say, he'll probably end up mindless if the TP's have their way.

While he's lounging in hospital, using his powers of telekenesis to grab a glass of water... and throw it across the room, his TP friends watch from afar using TP-o-vision. Tp-o-vision is marketed as such:

"It's like you're really there"
"No clunky cameras or televisions"
"Gain this useful ability, and laugh as you are ostracised by the rest of the universe"
"Save money on telephone bills"
"Find out what people are *really* thinking"

and so on....

Some TPs take it upon themselves to take something out on one of the thugs - we shall refer to him as Ralph. Ralph thinks he is being toasted slowly on a spit-roast... but it's all just a harmless practical joke!! Damn those telepaths, but they make any party come alive!!

Meanwhile, as Dr.Franklin grapples with search engines, Lord 'Steve McQueen' Byron is relaxing in the cooler, using his extensive powers of tele-kenesis to throw a small rubber ball against the wall and back (and did I really *have* to mention Steve McQueen's name for the joke to work? Hey-hum...).

You see, Byron needs to speak to the TPs - they are busy beating some guy with the power of tele-punching. Like tele-sales, only less harmful and intrusive.

Again, Dr.Franky finds what e wants on the 'Web (suprise surpise), but finds that someone else doesn't want him to find it. Because he's found out their secret: They haven't payed their income tax for over 8250 years. Oh no, that's episode 515. Yes, well, so they've killed off their own species. But like all somewhat foolish acts, they're beginning to feel the 'bite', and the population is drastically reducing.

Obviously the answer is simple: More s*x, but obviously these people are too old and prudunt for that sort of thing.

Meanwhile, dead-bodies a plenty, courtesy of dial-a-punch: 'Telekenesis in under 30 minutes or your money back... in your face'.

But Lord Byron doesn't care about his TP's operating a telepathic franchise. Lyta has taken her 'kit' off. In an extension of the 'no smoke without fire' principle, she states: 'Get past my barriers and ya gon' burn..."

Predictably, Byron accepts her offer. The next 5 minutes are filled with muted tension as many telepaths watch them both 'at it', the tension is broken when Lyta tells them that they're all a bunch of test-tube crazies, and that they stink. They don't quite agree, and ask for an independent state. Lyta agrees. Unfortunately, she doesn't have an independent state to give. Ah well.

Question: Where's Garibaldi this time round? Or Sheridan? Not that I miss 'em.

Question: Er, that's it.

I hope you enjoyed this comedy review. If not, just smile anyway and nod distractedly. Cheerio...