Report No. 6

Yes, yes, I know I said I'd finished when I'd done Usenet Report 5. But I couldn't help myself. It's addictive. Please, somebody save me!!!!!

Anyway, the PC crashed yesterday, so I had to try and find a way to fix it. Fortunately, the good old HIAP[1] worked, as it always does. Then it crashed again, so I had to HIAP again. And then again. And then it worked. So what i'd like to know, is what was different about the third one? How come I didn't need to HIAP five or six times? Next time it starts making that 'teep-teep, teep-teep' noise, I'll just punch it in the monitor, see how it likes that....

Anyway, on to the not particularly good stuff.

Newsgroup: alt.lost.and.found

Lost: Way, belonging to poor little unidentified domestic animal.

---
uda@nonsense.com

Newsgroup: alt.fan.centauri

<beeeeeeep> There has been an error due to incompatible hardware - ISA modem is blocking all incoming and outgoing mesages...

Newsgroup: alt.sex.drazi.ambassadors.wife

Error: Number of messages is greater than preset maximum.

Newsgroup: isn.current-affairs.pets.hamsters

And in the latest news on hamsters, the mysterious virus striking down hamsters throughout the Interstellar Alliance continues to spread. It is estimated that, at the current rate fo infection, hamsters will be extinct within the next two years. The virus has shown itself to be capable of infilitrating the most secure medical facilities, infecting hamsters from Minbar to Centauri Prime to babylon 5 to Earth itself.
The Interstellar Allliance is rumoured to be launching a new ship, the 'Big Pointy Thing', which, if some stories are to believed, contains Minbari hamster cage technology, combined with Earth hamster feeding equipment, and, or so the wildest rumours claim, Vorlon-enhanced sawdust to cover the floors with. The purpose of this ship? To find a cure for the hamsters. While most experts support this concept, several have voiced their doubts on the subject:
"It looks like a giant hamster-wheel, for goodness sake!"
"I have my doubts about this. I'm not sure if the crew, and especially the commanding officer, are committed"
On being questioned regarding this, Captain Fluffy had only one word to say: "Miaow?"

---
ISN Official news post.

Newsgroup: alt.hints.fire.hazards

> I've been wondering lately how to cope with that greatest of fire hazards: rogue
> telepaths. I have a small group living at the bottom of my garden, and I'm worried
> that they might pose a threat to my garden shed.

Well, in my experience, the best way to deal with rogue telepaths is to keep them calm. You may have to seriously curtail the dominant male's sex life, which could lead to frustration on his part, but this can be dealt with by shooting him regularly with a PPG on it's third highest setting (gas mark 3) until he learns to keep quiet. If this is not successful, then tie him down and give him a crew-cut, early in the morning. If all else fails, then make sure he has *doors* on his own room.

Secondly, ikeeping all highly flammable chemicals stored ina asafe place is useful - best to put them on a high shelf.

---
A. Person
aperson@anisp.com

Newsgroup: alt.dreams.interpretation

> Recently, I had a strange dream where I was drakged off, and had strange medical
> procedures performed on me by Shadow allies. What does this mean?

There are two possible interpretations to this dream:

1 - The Shadow allies represent your repressed desire to kill all around you with a large hamster-wheel. (See the 'shadows, evil, good and hamster toys' thread) As such, being dragged off by them signifies that you cannot control them. The medical procedures impyl that your desires are trying to take you apart, and change your internal self. The fact that they are strange means thast you may be able to fight them, and become an all -round healtheir person, wiht no desires to commit multiple himicide with rodent exercise toys.

Or:

2 - You're gonna be a Keeper perch for the rest of your life. Matey.


Mr. R. E. Assuring
---
reassuring@t.com

Why, I do believe I've come to the end of this hideuous travesty. Bye bye
then.

Why are you still here?

[1] Hit It And Pray