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The Comlete Morden's Diary |
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The Comlete Morden's Diary |
My Diary for 2258 - 2261, by me, Mr D. Morden (D stands for dead)
Compiled by Mr Drakh from documents located by advanced Tachyon Tapping Station on New Earth
November
On my way to a planet near the rim to do some digging, always wanted to try my hand at growing things.
November (supper time)
Had a discussion with the Exec, apparently I am to look at some old ruins on the planet. Got a bit worried when he kept going on about how safe it was. Met this girl called Anna today, what a babe!
December 24th
Looking forward to Christmas on the new planet tomorrow, which we are told is called Planet "Nicenfriendly", catchy name. Wonder if I can get Anna under the mistletoe
December 25th
Landed, ran into an alien life form who killed me.
January
Woke up with a splitting headache. The alien next to me told me that I am dead and going to destroy lots of my own kind and some alien races, explained why and what a nice thing it will be to do, and in return for me helping them, they could give me a really smug persona, all the bits of Anna Sheridan that they don't want, and all the Spoo I can eat.
Sounded like a good deal to me.
February
Was assigned my escorts/helpers today. They two of them have names with more than a million letters each in them, with no vowels, So I have decided to call them Chas & Dave, easier in the long run, especially if I have to tell them to duck or something.
March
Went to a place called Babylon 5, talked to a whole load of ambassadors and asked them what they wanted. Seemed like a pointless visit to me, but Chas was quite pleased with the results. Met this cute babe by the name of Delen - she has a weird design in triangular makeup on her forehead, but still, has a really cute bum.
Chas and Dave sat me down and we had a long discussion about sex, mainly that I am not going to get any until I have finished my job. I said that was fine cause I didn't want to sleep with them anyway. Unfortunately they meant with women like Delen and the Sweet chick Ivanova. I better finish this job quickly.
October (Afternoon Tea Time)
Struck a deal with Londo today over some fresh mince pies and a pot of real coffee, he wants the Narns bombed out of existence - checked with Dave, he said we could do that no problem.
Chas told me about the Vorlons today and said I probably shouldn't get anywhere near one, I asked if they were cute - He told me they were as cute as a fusion reactor explosion, decided to avoid them.
November
Destroyed a Narn base today. Ok, not personally, but it was my deal, I arranged it!
Asked Dave about growing some mistletoe in my quarters back on the big Z, he said that was OK.
November 15th
Organized some crackers and an artificial tree on Z. Chas is getting suspicious. Told both him and Dave, that although they have to be with me all the time, would it be ok if I showered alone.
November 16th
Getting to shower alone means I can plan my Christmas party, I'll get Anna along if she can get time off out of her pilot's job, damned army!
December
Destroyed a few more narn ships and outposts. Saw a Vorlon today, I'm not sure if Chas & Dave are telling me the whole truth on this one....
December 24th
Christmas party is off because:-
1) Chas and Dave found out.
2) Anna told me where to get off.
3) The Mimbari (delen) has decided to have a species change which probably means they know
all about us and we will have to bring the war forward.
4)Dave ate my mistletoe
December 31st
New year resolutions:-
1) Destroy Narn
2) Destroy Mimbar
3) Destroy Earth
4) Destroy almost everything else
5) Get off with Delen
January 1st
Hangover
January 2nd
Hungover
January 3rd
I regret Chas talking me into going into his ship for a quick spin about the galaxy. It's true what they say about these ships, anyone who has been inside one of them, doesn't come out of them quite the same. I can vouch for that for 3 reasons:
1) Chas's driving,
2) His bottle of Shadow de Ville, 79. Quite powerful stuff, I still don't know if it is safe for me to drink, but being dead already, I thought I would risk it.
3) After suffering Chas's driving, drinking half a bottle of toxic waste and then falling down drunk out of the ship after we landed and breaking my arm and pelvis - I was a changed man, Thank god for the Doctor here (His name sounds like Sqwidgybot but a lot longer) I think I will call him Derek.
Derek fixed me up with some pills and a couple of limb transplants - he told me to take it easy and not to go pubbing with Chas again. Dave came and collected us - he did not look pleased - there was a very stony atmosphere in the Spider-Mini Coupe and the way back. If I didn't know better, I would say that these two guys have more than a "plutonic" relationship.
Sorry, that should real PLATONIC, I didn't mean that they had a goofy dog with big ears relationship - although, now I come to think of it....
February 26th (Afternoon Tea)
Z'ha'dum Winter timesaving begins
Spent the last few months organising a few business contacts around the Galaxy. Visited earth and got the Psi Corps on our side, they have been working for us on and off, a few assasinations here and there, the odd ship blowing up, but it is nice to get the contract signed, sealed and delivered..., I wish I could be a telepath, I would love to know what is going on in womens minds...
Went exploring today on Z. Decided to go pot-holing - found this HUGE big cave just beside their main underground city (called Glasgow, curiously). I was in the middle of absailing down it when Dave hauled me back up and gave me this big long talking to about not going down the hole because it was very dangerous and who knows what I might meet down there. I tried to explain that I had taken every precaution, I had a safety helmet, knee pads, headlamp, extra batteries, harness, spare rope, heat blanket etc. and that I would be perfectly safe. Plus the fact that being dead, I wasn't really in much danger was I? This didn't go down too well. Been grounded for a week AND lost my "shower alone" privileges.
March 23rd (Elevensies)
Full Moon: Blank Holiday (Z'ha'dum equator - NOT S'co'tl-and)
Shadow attacks going well. I don't know what the strategy is but if it makes them happy to wibble out of Hyprspace and blast the socks of a few Narn Warships, I'm happy too - gives me more time to plan my next phase of my "Sneak a Hareem of Able Girls into my quarters " Codename SHA - wait a minute, If I write that, Chas is sure to know - From now on it will be known as operation "Wilma Flintstone" - Yeah! He'll never guess.
Met with Londo, organised a little Narn Bashing and destroyed some major outposts - Narn homeworld next on list.
Operation "Wilma Flintsone" in full operation, managed to sneak off from Chas n Dave and organise a liason with a fighter pilot for tomorrow night!!!!! Justin, one of the other dead humans says she is quite a looker, although I have yet to clap eyes on her, still,I AM desperate left her a note in her cockpit.
"Hi Honey Buns, Fancy a bit of fun with a cool dude who knows how to have a good time, Call me! D. Morden "
Got a note back
"Love to Morden Baby, see you tomorrow night!"
Things are loooking up.
March 24th
Had to lose Chas & Dave for tonight, told them that I needed some Quality Time tonight, and that the Vorlons were attacking one of out outposts - they rushed off in a panic,
(Suppertime)
Operation "Wilma Flintstone" Canceled - Permenantly - How was I to know that Honey Buns was a native to this planet!!! she came on pretty strong though, but I just couldn't work out what would go where so I had to let her down politely. Chas and Dave were in on this from the beginning and were laughing all the way home....
April 1st (Lunch)
St. Zadsalfwelgjlbjwbw'ej'qfwj'wqj'f'v'v'v'akv'qwq'rk'wq'fk'fk'qwfk'qkf' s Day :
Patron saint of Washing Machines
Queen's Birthday
Tried some April fool jokes on Chas & Dave - pointless exercise, they thought the soap that turned your face black was cool and even better the foul tasting sweets.
Went to B5 and Met Sheridan today - He got a bit riled cause he wanted to know why I was alive and his wife Anna Sheridan was dead. He would have probably got even more annoyed if I told him what I would realy like to do to his dead wife. Even though I am dead, I thought I better not press this point too far. Chas & Dave had to keep quiet all the way through this -
I was kept in a cell for a long time, Sheridan started to get physical, unfortunately it was the wrong Sheridan and I nearly got a black eye for my trouble. Eventually was released.
I have the feeling the B5ers are onto us - but I am not sure.
Had a discussion with Vir, Londo's aid today - He doesn't seem to like me, I don't know why - It's not as if I have ever done anything to him I must say that I was quite speechless after his little outburst. He said he would like to see my head on a pole outside the centari palace, he would gaze into my lifeless eyes and wave. Chas said he wanted to kill the little sod, Dave had some equally graphic ideas about what to do with him, I managed to restrain them, just...
October 15th
Lorien Day
Traveled to Gorash 7 today and played "Galaxians" with the Narn fleet - All in all it was not as exciting as I thought it was going to be. I had a bet on with Chas that Anna would knock out more ships than Honey Buns - He agreed, but forgot to tell me that Anna wasn't in the attacking army.... Still, it was satisfying sitting there watching all these exploisions on Shadow TV, drinking Shadow de Ville. (I was drinking orange juice, Chas and Dave were drinking the de Ville, I have learnt my lesson.) On Channel two of Shadow TV was the bombing of the Narn Homeworld by the centauri. We recorded that so we can watch it later....
October 16th
BIG TROUBLE TODAY
Someone recorded "Z'ha'dum ers next door" over the bombing of the Narn homeworld. Chas and Dave are going around hitting things (mostly me) and swearing a lot. It' wasn't really my fault, I was trying to record "Vorlons, Above And Beyond" on channel 6453, They should have taken the record Tab out...
December 20th
Did my Christmas list today.
1) Buy Anna a big bottle of Shadow de Ville (whay hey!!!)
2) Dave - Fluffy Dice for his Spider-Mini Coupe
3) Chas - "Bombing the Narn Homeworld" Video - Wide screen - Zicam Quadraphonic
Digital+ Sound (to make up for my writing over our original recording)
4) Honey Buns - Box of Chocs
5) Derek - A book on human anatomy (He may need it after the new year)
6) Justin - a haircut
December 21st
More trouble today - We tried to assasinate Sheridan today, used a centauri to put a bomb on his bus, but all that happened was that he jumped out and was rescued by Kosh the Vorlon.
When Kosh rescued him, he left his encounter suit and revealed himself to be an Angel to everyone who was watching (apart from me & my associates, all we saw was this a skinny wee man with glases wearing flares and a shirt with a long collar and a kipper tie, but who would admit that to anyone!).
Chas and Dave think that Kosh could be a problem, I am beginning to agree...
Chrismas Party Tomorrow.....
December 22nd
No Chrismas Party, the war has been well brought foward....
Looked at last years new year resolutions, marked off what I had achieved.
1) Destroy Narn Yes, Practically
2) Destroy Mimbar No
3) Destroy Earth No
4) Destroy almost everything else No
5) Get off with Delen No
Hmm....
December 31st
11pm, Just off to see the new year in, Chas has promised me that he will behave, I am determined not to get drunk....
New year resolutions
1) Dont get drunk tonight
2) Get off with Delen
3) Get the war going good and proper
4) Win the war
5) Have sex with SOMEONE!!!!!!
January 1st, Tea Time
Z'ha'dum New Year Begins, Paraceatamol Day,
Advil Day (United States of Z'hamer'ica)
groan... Hungover
Well, I broke my first resolution today. I admit most of it was my own fault, spiking Chas's drink and not noticing that Honey Buns was doing the same to me. They seem to be able to hold their drink much better than me. Chas talked me into to seeing who could get nearest to the edge of the chasm by Glasgow City, needless to say that I won. That called for another visit to Derek the Doctor......
January 2nd
Just got a bill from Derek, apparently my medical insurance isn't valid for all the injuries I have sustained recently, since most of them haven't been due to my work, just my own stupidity. I now owe the Clinic of Z'ha'dum (St. Loriens) the sum of 10 guillion glugets (About 10 years pay back on the Icarus). Don't know how I am going to pay it off.
January 3rd
Honey Buns has found me a job polishing Shadow Ships which pays quite well, she reckons I could pay off the Hospital in about 60 years... She warned me not do the insides, wonder why....
January 4th
Found out why, I accidentaly fell into Shadow ship number 563, which promptly shot off into hyperspace. I had no control over it at all. Tried a few buttons and the next thing I know, I just happen to blow up a starfury that was passing close by, still, nobody so me....
Just noticed that I seemed to have fallen into a time warp as well. This day is not going well....
January 3rd
Found out why, I accidentaly fell into Shadow ship number 563, which promptly shot off into hyperspace. I had no control over it at all. Tried a few buttons and the next thing I know, I just happen to blow up a starfury that was passing close by, still, nobody so me....
Just noticed that I seemed to have fallen into a time warp as well. This day is not going well....
January 3rd
Found out why, I accidentaly fell into Shadow ship number 563, which promptly shot off into hyperspace. I had no control over it at all. Tried a few buttons and the next thing I know, I just happen to blow up a starfury that was passing close by, still, nobody so me....
Just noticed that I seemed to have fallen into a time warp as well. This day is not going well....This all seems very familiar.....
January 3rd
Found out why, I accidentaly fell into Shadow ship number ...
I suspect I MAY have fallen into a time warp...
January 5th
Anna Sheridan Day
Chas and Dave rescued me yesterday after I spent about hours/days/years pressing the wrong buttons, managed to activate the self destruct and jetison myself off in a life pod. They have decided that they are going to pay off the hospital bills. Apparently the Shadow Council have worked out that it will probably be cheaper in the long run, Shadow ships are a bit expensive and Honey Buns only had 3rd party fire and theft.
Apparently the Starfury that I destroyed belonged to a B5'er by the name of Kefler and that the whole thing was recorded and aired on ISN, Chas doesn't seem to thing that it will be a problem...
January 10th
Did some serious war stuff today,
Londo has been getting more difficult to deal with, so I am sorting stuff out with Lord Reffa - nice guy, strange haircut.
Londo wants to end our association so I went to a meeting today, we devided up the galaxy between us. Chas wanted to kill him, talked him out of it though, I may be dead, but I can still feel pain and I don't have the added luxury of being invisible, like some people I could mention.
February 13th
A young mans fancy turns to love.... Well it doesn't actually, but fairly close. I have gone off Delen, she seems to be going all smoochy
over Sheridan, so I am back onto Anna (In the nicest possible way of course.......)
I must send her a valantine...
February 14th
Sent Anna a valantine
"Roses are Red
Violets are blue
I'm pretty dead
And so are you"
How about us getting together tomorrow night?
Mordy
February 15th
Got a letter from Anna today, it read
"Roses are Red
Violets are blue
I don't date aliens
and neither should you..."
Hmm, she must have heard about that run it with Honey buns...
Planted my spring bulbs today.
March 14th
Big plans afoot! We are really getting this war going!
Lots of attacks by us against the younger races. They are no match for us. Londo decided he wanted out today, so I made a deal with him about teritory. I get the galaxy and he doesn't. Well actually, that isn't what I told him but that is the basic outcome of the meeting. I am not sure if he understands... Anyway, I won't need to worry about him because Reffa is taking his place..
Chas and Dave are waiting with anticipation today for the arival of their new operating system "Telepath 95". They say it will make the ships fly faster, more efficiently, with more colours and neat animation when you delete files. The release date is in two days time!
March 15th
Dave has just bought a copy of "Planet Killer". It only runs on "Telepath 95" and he just can't wait
March 16th
Chas has just installed "Telepath 95". Unfortunately, it corrupted the hard drive in his ship as well as reconfiguring all his settings and disabling his Hyperspace navigation system. The slicer beam also refused to "plug and play" so he is not pleased.
March 17th
Chas and Dave have just chucked out "Telepath 95" and re-installed "Shad OS". Dave says that it may be slow and have a problem handling large amounts of memory, but at least it works!
We have also heard that Sheridan and Delenn have just bought up all the remaing copies of "Telepath 95" that were en route to us. Probably a good thing from our point of view.
Dave is keeping his copy of "Planet Killer". He hopes to convert it to "Shad OS"
April
Just sold some "Shadow Technology" to earth force, they are going to incorporate it into the next development of their Ships.
We also gave them a licence bundle of Shad OS (Ho ho ho) Don't think that they will ever be a threat to us!!!
My spring bulbs came up today and then died shortly after as Dave ate them.
May 1st
Bugger of a month...
The Vorlons decided to take sides today, and they shot up the 5th Shadow Fleet, Chas and Dave want me to go round to Kosh's later to have a chat, I was a little hesitant but they assured me that it would be OK, and anyway they would come too.
Saw Anna bounce past today, and I mean BOUNCE!Coor!
May 2nd
Not too happy,
We went round to Kosh's place today and had a friendly chat.
The "friendly chat" ended up with Chas and Dave hacking him to pieces.
Now they wanted me to get rid of the body so I had to set fire to his quarters. They tell me that it will never be traced back to me but I am not to sure.
Looks like things are really going to take a dive now.
Oh and all the Alien races are clubbing together to fight us as well, I especially don't fancy taking on a Vree Sacuer with its weapon.
April - September
Did a lot of work instigating wars with all the non leauge worlds.
Also, forgot my diary so I couldn't write in it.
October
Sheridan and Delenn seem to have got themselves some new ships which are knocking the hell out of us, we are losing quite a few wars and the "Knock the ant heap over" strategy that we are using will soon become the "gently tap the ant heap and see if anyone is in" strategy if we don't do something quick.
November
I was finally getting somewhere with Anna, i.e. she had asked me to go to bed with her, when she got a call saying that she could have her old Hubby back as long as she brought him to Z, she dumped me.
December
Not the best day in my life
Sheridan came visiting and we put lots of ships around B5 ready to smash it to bits if he didn't agree to join us.
But due to various lacks in security he:-
Shot me,
Killed Chas,
Killed Dave,
headbutted Anna,
kicked Justin in the groin,
Made his way to "Glasgow",
Called his ship down (which just happened to be full of Atomic Weapons), jumped in the big
hole and blew half the planet away.
There is not going to be any Christmas Party this year for sure.
Added to all that, after Derek the Doctor had patched me up, he suggested that I lie on his sunbed for a couple of hours, to help me recuperate - I now look somewhat like a lobster who has managed to escape from a very hot pot.
January
Not feeling too well, not only have I the skin of badly done lobster but my tailor seems to have gone on strike I now have to wear naff garments.
The shock of losing Chas and Dave was almost too much for me (I though I was finally going to have some freedom!!!!) The shock of Chas and Dave walking in to see me WAS too much for me! Apparently Sheridan only managed to shoot them both in the head so there was not much critical harm done...fnar.
Beeing sent to Centari prime today, the new emporer Cartagia is reported to be as loopy and a mumbalien snuckle freed (Dave says it is a mad hamster). He is going to let us park some ships on some deserted Island somewhere.
February
Met Londo today and pulled my fingernails and skin off in front of him just for the sheer hell of it, He looks a bit concerned about me being here but I don't care. Played a game of "Whose head is it anyway" with Cartagia tonight, great fun, Chas and Dave played football with the head of an ex official.
Bit of a problem at the moment, the B5ers have worked out how to blow up shadow ships with their white stars and some telepaths..
Another bit of a problem is that the Vorlons have started to blow up our allies bases, so we have started to blow up their allies bases. The body count is high but then they aint our bodies..
Had a checkup with Doctor Derek today, he gave me some "Oil of Youlie" which he says will restore my skin to its natural (dead) complexion. I asked about Anna today, Derek explained that there was nothing they could do for her, being caught in a blast that large diced her up into so many bits that even he didn't know where to begin glueing. Sigh, another dream gone.. Honey Buns has started giving me the eye (I'm sure it is her eye) again.
Chas and Dave are acting suspicious, they keep muttering in corners about "Their End being nigh", Perhaps they have a nasty rash.. I will offer them some "Oil of Youlie".
Sheridan came back from the Dead! How lucky can that guy be? Its not everyone that can drop down a big hole with a nuclear missle up his but and survive. He went back to b5 with this weird geek called Lorien. I mentioned this to Chas and Dave and they started to cry! What is going on?
Honey Buns jumped me today, we performed "Thinkfdslsausocycosayasocva'sa" as she called it. I presume it was sex, difficult to tell with my head rammed between a brick wall and wardrobe whilst my arms tied behind my back, blindfolded with a bannana in my mouth and the TV playing the hold Z Chrismas classic "It's a pretty unpredictable life" . It wasn't pleasant anyway whatever it was.., neither was the Thinkfdslsausocycosayasocva'sa". Honey Buns said that she was "Living for the moment and may never be able to do it again". I certainly lived for that moment and have NO INTENTION of EVER DOING THAT AGAIN. What the Hell is going on.
Chas has just cashed in his insurance policy and is sitting in a corner sipping 0001AL (After Lorien) Shadow Di' Ville and crying a lot, Dave is just looking morose and watching re runs of "I love Drakhi".I have the feeling they know something I don't.Been Nasty to Londo today - he he heChas and dave were with me as usual, in body but not spirit. Chas appears to be drunk and dave is wandering around saying "We are all going to die" over and over again.
February 14th
Nobody to send a Valentine to today. Anna has gone to pieces, Honey Buns (Yuch!), and I have gone of Delen, all she seems to do these days is to hump the second coming (Sheridan).Took a walk around the ships at Selynie. Quite a few centuri were lugging about big boxes marked with "Low non explosive devices" written on them - I asked Chas if this was a problem, he said no, in acutal fact he hiccuped and threw up, but I took that as a no.
Londo was trying to get me to move the ships off Selynie - I told him to go away, cause me and my mate Cartagia were in charge, not him. He hee heee. He can't do a thing while Cartagia is here!!!!!
February 15th
Not a good day. Cartagia died this morning and Londo took control
The Vorlon and Shadow ships seem to be on a collison course with each other for a war.
I was hauled up in front of Molari and he promptly got his guards to shoot at the space either side of me. Dave took the full brunt of the pulse fire and died instantly (They aimed for his groin rather than his head), Chas by coincidence chose that moment to die from alcohol poisoning leaving me rather in the lurch. I lost my cool and started to shout at Londo as he got me dragged from the court "revenge revenge" was the meaning of my words, somehow it sounded rather pathetic.I am now sitting in a cell writing this entry, I don't know what is going to happen to me. For some reason Londo keeps coming in with videos for me to watch, Braveheart and Braveheaert II, Highlander 1,2,3,4,5 and eight, The story of the Guillotine.. There may be some connection here with my fate but I a damned if I can work it out. Uhoh, someone coming through the door with a large axe, they must want me to cut some wood, must stop writing now. I will finish later.
THE END
(well almost)
Bloody Brakiri, Just when a chap is settling down with ones dead wife (Anna Sheridan would you believe!) and children Charles and David.....I get called back for their "Day of the Dead" just cause they decide to hold it on Babylon 5. I had sit and read a paper, talk to this Mimbari Guy I had never met before and tell him he was going to betray the Rangers. A really worthwhile trip, at least it meant I could finish of my diary and find out what happened to me on Centuari Prime. I think I can see the connection between those films and my fate.
Now, other things I want to mention in this addendum, the Truth about Sheridan is,
damn that alarm clock, anyway he is really the .......
VERY MUCH THE END...
(unless JMS finds another way to bring him back)
Text: © 1998 Steevie
All Characters & Events:
© 1985-1998 Warner Bros/TNT/JMS or their respective copyright holders.